Judge Hannah Craig

For writing this week, we wrote PODCASTS!  I would HIGHLY recomend listening to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.  It is HILARIOUS!  You can find them here or download them from iTunes.

After listening to that podcast, read the one I wrote.  We were supposed to immitate Judge John Hodgman as much as possible. 

Judge Hannah Craig

Announcer: All rise, the court of Hannah Craig is now in session.  This week is the case of pronunciation. Our disputants are Frank

Frank (speaks in Norwegian accent): actually, I pronounce it Frahnk.

Announcer: Sorry, Frahnk and Amelia

Amelia (speaks in American accent): And, actually it’s aamelia.

Announcer: And Aamelia-their dispute: is the famous band “ABBA” pronounced “ah-ba” or “a-ba”. Please welcome Judge Hannah Craig, you may be seated.

Hannah: We really should get a motion sensor to detect movement through the phone.  I want to know who actually is standing up.

Frank: Sir…er, mam…I was standing up.

Hannah: After calling me a “Sir”, I have trouble believing you.

Amelia: I have trouble believing him too.

Hannah: Good for you.

Amelia: And, I actually didn’t stand up at all.  It’s physically impossible for me.

Hannah: How so?

Amelia: I’m making a sculpture of my entire body today, so right now I am covered in plaster.

Hannah: Okay, that’s not an excuse, but whatever.

Amelia: At least I didn’t lie.

Hannah: Okay, okay, let’s get to the case.  Amelia, Frank, is that correct?

Frank: Actually, it’s Frahnk.

Amelia: and it’s Aamelia.

Hannah: Okay, sorry.  Frahnk, do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth etcetera?

Frank: Yes, I do.

Hannah: and Amelia, do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth etcetera?

Amelia: Yes, I do.

Hannah: SO, you’re fighting over pronunciation?

Frank: Yes.  I believe that the 70’s and 80’s singing group spelled A-B-B-A is pronounced Ah-ba.  She thinks it’s pronounced “A-ba” like some freak.

Amelia: I am not a freak, you’re a..

Hannah: So, I am just going to interject here for a moment by asking: How do you two know each other?

Amelia: Well, it all started back in the 10th grade when we were both 16 and went to the original Broadway showing of Mama Mia with our afterschool ”musicals through the ages class”.  I and the rest of the intelligent world are correct in saying “A-ba”.

Hannah: Would you say that you’re friends, or enemies?

Frank: We’re frienimies.

Hannah: I’m sorry; I am going to need a direct answer from each of you. Please answer one at a time: Would you consider the other person a friend, or an enemy to you?

Amelia: Enifriend?

Hannah: Okay, you’re going to have to tell me what that means.  Friend or enemy?

Amelia: I guess it would be more like close relative.  We know each other really well, but don’t exactly like to hang out.

Hannah: So you don’t like your relatives?

Amelia: Some of them.

Hannah: Have you ever seen a therapist?

Amelia: I have not.

Hannah: I would recommend it.  And, Frank, what would you consider Amelia, a friend or an enemy?

Frank: Well, we used to be friends, not we’re enemies because of this 10 year dispute.

Hannah: Are you embarrassed about how long this argument has gone on?

Frank: Sort of.  I feel like Amelia is just being a sour puss.

Hannah: A sour puss?

Frank: Yeah, like a cat mixed with lime juice.

Hannah: I’ve never tried such a delicacy.

Frank: Um, yeah.

Hannah: So, where are you two in your lives now?

Frank: I just graduated from the University of Southern California for journalism specializing in theater critique.

Amelia: And, I am a dietitian in West Virginia and make full-body plaster sculptures on the side.

Hannah: That is quite a mix, Amelia.

Amelia: Well, you know people have to ignite their passions.

Hannah: Okay, let’s get on arguments.

Hannah: Frank, why do you think that the famous band spelled “A-B-B-A” is pronounced “Ah-ba”?

Frank:  It’s the only logical way to pronounce the word.  Anyone in their right mind would look at the spelling and think: “A-B-B-A” that must be pronounced “Ah-ba”.

Hannah: Do you know the band very well, Frank?

Frank: Yes, I do in my opinion. 

Hannah: Then could you tell me from the band’s point of view why they would want to pronounce “A-B-B-A” Ah-ba?

Frank: Yes, they are a very artistic group.  They are a band that makes songs. To me, singing should be thought of more as “Ah” not “Aa”.  Ah is just a lot more “Sing-songy”.

Hannah: Have you ever sung any of their songs?

Frank: Yes, in the comfort of my home with my iPod on full blast with all of the windows closed.

Hannah: Okay, would you mind singing us one of their songs right now?

Frank: um, well….

Amelia: Don’t be a wuss, Frank.

Frank: Don’t be such a jerk, Amelia.

Hannah: You are acting like 3 year olds.

Frank: Alright, alright I’ll sing one.  Which should I sing?

Hannah: Whichever one is your favorite.

Frank: Okay. (Sings “Dancing Queen” badly)

Hannah: righto Frank, that’s enough.  Thank you very much.

Amelia: (Starts clapping)

Hannah: Amelia, what’s your side of the story?

Amelia: Think about how it’s spelled “A-B-B-A”.

Hannah: Yes, we’ve gone over that several times.

Amelia: So, the way you should say it is how you read it right? A-B-B-A. Aa-ba.

Hannah: Okay, I need some evidence.

Hannah: I am going to use the power of Google to search for ABBA.  Hmmmm…..ABBA is band made up of 3 people from Sweden and one from Norway.  Do either of you speak Swedish or Norwegian?

Both: No, I do not.

Hannah: Well, according to forvo.com, a word pronunciation site, ABBA is pronounced “Ah-ba” in Swedish and Norwegian.

Frank: Yes!  Thank you!

Hannah: Amelia, (pronounces “Ah-melia”) what is your response to this?

Amelia: First, my name is not Ah-melia, it’s Aamelia.  And, second no one should trust the internet.

Hannah: So do you use the internet for yourself?

Amelia: Yes, but I mostly go on “Cast-yourself.net”.

Hannah: right.  Amelia, I need you to do something for me.  Could you please pronounce “Absolutely?”

Amelia: “Aabsolutly”?

Hannah: And Frank, could you do the same thing?

Frank: Ahbsolutly.

Hannah: Great, thanks.

Hannah: So, I would just like to reiterate: Frahnk, you think that because A-B-B-A is a band, that it should be pronounced AhBA because it sounds more sing-songy.  You also believe that Amelia is a “sour puss” and pronounce the usual Frank name “Frahnk”.

Frank: Correct.

Hannah: And, Ahmelia, you pronounce A-B-B-A aaba because you read things how they are spelled.  You also create body sculptures that I do not want to think about and pronounce the usual name Amelia “Aamelia”.

Amelia: That is correct.

Hannah: Okay, I will let you have your closing statements now before I leave the chambers.

Frank:  I think that ABBA was supposed to be said how it originally was supposed to be said.  Just like my name, Frahnk.  That’s how it’s SUPPOSED to be said.  Simple as that.

Amelia: I have nothing further to say.  I think that my argument is the only one that makes sense. Think about the vowels we all learned in pre-school.  A-E-I-O-U. A!  That’s how you pronounce it when you read it; therefore, that’s how it should be said.

Hannah: Okay, thanks you too.  I will be right back.

Announcer: So, Amelia…er…Aamelia, how do you think you stand with Judge Craig.

Amelia: Personally, I have no clue.  I mean, for the last 10 minutes, I haven’t really been listening because I think that I may have left this plaster cast on for too long and I’m worried it won’t come off.

Announcer: Very interesting. And Frank…er…Frahnk?

Frank: Yes, I think she is on my side.  When she brought up that website of pronunciations, it got my hopes up.

Announcer: Please rise as Judge Hannah Craig enters the chambers.

Hannah: Don’t worry about it; I wouldn’t want your sculpture to break, Aamelia.

Amelia: Thank you for your concern.

Announcer: You may sit.

Hannah: The answer is you are both wrong, and right. You see, you have accents.  Frahnk says it the original way.  How the original ABBA would have pronounced it in Swedish or Norwegian.  But, Aamelia being the sculpture-maker that she is pronounces it in her American accent as Aaaba.  You are both right in your own way.  You must use the correct pronunciation when you are speaking as that person.  An American, a Norwegian or a Swede.

Amelia: Haa haa Haa

Frank: Hah hah hah

Hannah: In favor of who you are. (Gavel)

Announcer:  All are dismissed.


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