Dear Barack Obama,
I am writing to you on this lovely day of January 8th 2011 to discuss dogs, family behavior and the dog-family relationship. I feel like you would be the best one to contact because of your recently added family member, Bo, your Portuguese water dog.
I have been trying to get the attention I need from my family for months now with no success. I have started walking on all fours and tearing up blankets because it will get me more attention than showing my family my math homework. Is this normal?
It all started about a month ago when my family added a new member to the family. Beau, a black poodle who greeted the rest of the family with hugs, kisses and lots of love but who greeted me with an evil stare that was followed by running to hide under my sister’s legs. I really didn’t think I was that scary. We learn something new every day.
Shortly after bringing the new dog home, I noticed a difference in how the family was being run. Instead of being worried about what we were going to eat for dinner on Sunday night, the family started getting apprehensive about how the dogs would get their on seat in the car with all of us riding together to the pet food warehouse. The family decided it would be best to leave the kids at home while the dogs drove in to town to buy their dog food.
But recently the dog-respect-rituals have gotten way out of hand. For instance, this morning I was looking for my birth certificate in our filing cabinet. I couldn’t find it anywhere. What I could find, though was Bergen (our other dog) and Beau’s rabies papers. Is that normal?
I have started carrying socks around in my mouth just to get attention from my mom and dad. If this keeps up, I am going to have to start going outside to use the facilities just so that I can get some treats for “going potty outside”.
The laughter that accompanies the dogs wrestling on the floor is enough to make one barf. “Oh! Look how cute that is! Beau is underneath Bergen trying to bite his neck off! Awwwwwwwwwwww!”
Another ugly, but common phrase at our house is: “Oh! Look how he is drinking all the water! He’s so ‘firsty’!” Whenever I drink loudly I am scolded for not having good table manners. Really people, REALLY?
The story at the breakfast table in the morning is always something about how cute it is when the dogs hog the whole bed. When I have bad dreams at night and go to sleep with my parents, they always yell at me for “stealing the covers” and stay annoyed the whole following day. They never talk about me at the breakfast table.
As I am writing this, the dogs have taken up the whole couch, so getting any room to sit on it today will be impossible. Unless of course the whole family is exiled to a far-away island and I can finally discipline the spoiled brats.
The one last thing I must mention is food. All I eat anymore are stale granola bars and fancy feast. Once in a while I’ll get to opportunity to try a peanut-butter carob chip treat or a liver snack. Once per month, when we go to Mounds to get the dog food, I am allowed 1 of their freebie Mounds Bars. I have a habit of eating only 1 tiny nibble every day as to save the glorious taste of “people food”.
The point is that I try so hard to be fun and entertaining for my family. From the whoopee cushion to the “That’s What She Said” jokes, I’ve done it all. I used to be happy about our dogs, but this whole thing has gotten out of hand. When does it stop?
Thank you for considering my letter.
P.S I have attached a photo of the dogs, so you can get some visuals on what we’re dealing with here.
DISCLAIMER*************This is fictional (well, some of it..;)! I LOVE OUR DOGS DEARLY!